F.I.N.E

Ah! yes I did my presentation, it went ok-ish, it doesn't matter, what matters is that "it went" and our trainer ASSURED us that there wont be no more presentations till sometime later. Hah! you'd think. Of course this was too good to actually happen, and he decided it would be alot nicer if we give our presentations earlier. To make a long story short. I have a presentation TODAY :(

It's ok, don't worry, I'm just fine - Italian job fine (Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic, and emotional) - but at least this time I'm holding back on the hysteria.

Being an optimistic person as I am, I've decided to stop worrying (HaHAHAHHA) and just think logically, "So what's the WORST that could happen" I thought. Now I have covered all the fall-flat-on-the-face, ssstuttetter, ..etc. situations earlier, so I'll just think of the more important sides to the matter. I could fail - I know it's hard to believe ME failing!!! - but I could fail. ssssoooooo wwwhhhatttt, as told by the wise Ahmed Mekky. No really, SO WHAT? I had a nice (?) experience, met interesting people, gave three presentations, but most importantly, I discovered options. what do I mean? ok, now the good thing about talking to people is actually listening, one of the girls was saying that she freelances translation to Iqraa channel, really? why didn't I think of that before?? well it's ok, now I am so it's an option, a potential path. Another was talking about a speed reading course she took before - we have that here? mmm I wonder what other sort of weird courses can I find in Egypt? such things too would be interesting to explore.

What else could happen? obviously, I could pass. Now, this is supposed to be the bright side of it, although I'm not entirely sure, cause - to my surprise - passing means that you will have to actually stand infront of a bunch of people and teach them English, which is something I never thought of when I applied to the English Instructor position!! (I know, no comment, but it's true)

So, I'm actually a little better today, my heart is only beating from chest to neck - that's an improvement cause last time was from stomach to nose, so give me that. I don't know I'm even feeling a little cheery, maybe it's all the self-help books I've been reading (self-help: author help himself get rich) though I doubt it, cause I have an anti-motivational talk attitude. Oh yeah I remember, it's the "What the worst that could happen" technique. Yeah, so that's my advice to all the optimistic, life-is-a-cookie sort of people. IT IS NOT, but what the worst that could really happen!

Moving on

"You can't stay in that ghostly existence..," "There's a whole new world out there that you should exploer...," I've been listening to all sorts of well intentioned advice and comments like these for some time now, they all tell you to move on.

What that really means is: no it's not enough that you got hurt in that way, there's a whole wide world filled with all sorts of pain and distress that you are just depriving your self of.

Try new things and you'll be surprised at how you once thought; I've seen the worst of it, nothing can hurt me anymore. So, you're a shy person, you hate speaking in public, now why should you stay peacefully at a place or a job that doesn't require presentations and lectures, noooo, you must challenge yourself, you must put yourself in the situation you hate the most, cause you are not "growing" or "developing your skills" your not looking for new cheeese if you don't do that. mmm, I see, so I did it, I did it badly, and I hated it. Well, that is just excellent, all you have to do now, is to do it again, and again, and the more you hate it, the more you should do it, cause that is Leeeaarning. Soon enough after a thousand failed experience, and thousand agonizing situation you'll be juuuust finne.

well, ok maybe, I guess, so I'm doing this to "move on" and get along with my life, but all it does is make me miserable and remind of a time when I was happy, and makes me feel the loss more. mmm that's nothing, who cares, as long as you're Moving Onnnn.

Brilliant, so now my options are: fail, and be miserable about it, and of course that means soul searching for you wanna do, cause "whatever you do, you can't stay where you are"। Or succeed, and continue in that miserable job. boy! I just can't wait to see the outcome of that.

babble babble

So, taking on a new job, one that involves standing in front of people and actually talking (aka: my worst fear beside axe murderers and vampires,) now that's a step forward, you're Movin on, rising from your ghostly state of being and taking action, wow, you must now be excited about the change, anxious for wanting to prove yourself, and terrified that you will freeze when you see, people, stutter, some clothing item will rip off, or worse of all you'll just trip and fall flat on your face infront of everyone.

Well, alarmingly, none of the above. more like indifference, it's like I've stopped feeling, that was supposed to be a big thing to me but it's not. It doesn't really matter now that you're not around anymore, and it's crazy because, people aren't defined by other people, they shouldn't be, I was a person before you and i mattered to me, and now that you're gone..

yalla, never mind, it's not your fault anyway, some people are just lost and when they find something to build or depend on for meaning to their existence, they just hang to it for dear life. only it would've been wrong, you would've been one of those soccer mums who's whole life depend on their childrens' exams and coaches, maybe this is how it's supposed to be, now you actually have to work for serenity or peace or whatever the hell you're looking for anyway.

mmm,