F.I.N.E

Ah! yes I did my presentation, it went ok-ish, it doesn't matter, what matters is that "it went" and our trainer ASSURED us that there wont be no more presentations till sometime later. Hah! you'd think. Of course this was too good to actually happen, and he decided it would be alot nicer if we give our presentations earlier. To make a long story short. I have a presentation TODAY :(

It's ok, don't worry, I'm just fine - Italian job fine (Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic, and emotional) - but at least this time I'm holding back on the hysteria.

Being an optimistic person as I am, I've decided to stop worrying (HaHAHAHHA) and just think logically, "So what's the WORST that could happen" I thought. Now I have covered all the fall-flat-on-the-face, ssstuttetter, ..etc. situations earlier, so I'll just think of the more important sides to the matter. I could fail - I know it's hard to believe ME failing!!! - but I could fail. ssssoooooo wwwhhhatttt, as told by the wise Ahmed Mekky. No really, SO WHAT? I had a nice (?) experience, met interesting people, gave three presentations, but most importantly, I discovered options. what do I mean? ok, now the good thing about talking to people is actually listening, one of the girls was saying that she freelances translation to Iqraa channel, really? why didn't I think of that before?? well it's ok, now I am so it's an option, a potential path. Another was talking about a speed reading course she took before - we have that here? mmm I wonder what other sort of weird courses can I find in Egypt? such things too would be interesting to explore.

What else could happen? obviously, I could pass. Now, this is supposed to be the bright side of it, although I'm not entirely sure, cause - to my surprise - passing means that you will have to actually stand infront of a bunch of people and teach them English, which is something I never thought of when I applied to the English Instructor position!! (I know, no comment, but it's true)

So, I'm actually a little better today, my heart is only beating from chest to neck - that's an improvement cause last time was from stomach to nose, so give me that. I don't know I'm even feeling a little cheery, maybe it's all the self-help books I've been reading (self-help: author help himself get rich) though I doubt it, cause I have an anti-motivational talk attitude. Oh yeah I remember, it's the "What the worst that could happen" technique. Yeah, so that's my advice to all the optimistic, life-is-a-cookie sort of people. IT IS NOT, but what the worst that could really happen!

Moving on

"You can't stay in that ghostly existence..," "There's a whole new world out there that you should exploer...," I've been listening to all sorts of well intentioned advice and comments like these for some time now, they all tell you to move on.

What that really means is: no it's not enough that you got hurt in that way, there's a whole wide world filled with all sorts of pain and distress that you are just depriving your self of.

Try new things and you'll be surprised at how you once thought; I've seen the worst of it, nothing can hurt me anymore. So, you're a shy person, you hate speaking in public, now why should you stay peacefully at a place or a job that doesn't require presentations and lectures, noooo, you must challenge yourself, you must put yourself in the situation you hate the most, cause you are not "growing" or "developing your skills" your not looking for new cheeese if you don't do that. mmm, I see, so I did it, I did it badly, and I hated it. Well, that is just excellent, all you have to do now, is to do it again, and again, and the more you hate it, the more you should do it, cause that is Leeeaarning. Soon enough after a thousand failed experience, and thousand agonizing situation you'll be juuuust finne.

well, ok maybe, I guess, so I'm doing this to "move on" and get along with my life, but all it does is make me miserable and remind of a time when I was happy, and makes me feel the loss more. mmm that's nothing, who cares, as long as you're Moving Onnnn.

Brilliant, so now my options are: fail, and be miserable about it, and of course that means soul searching for you wanna do, cause "whatever you do, you can't stay where you are"। Or succeed, and continue in that miserable job. boy! I just can't wait to see the outcome of that.

babble babble

So, taking on a new job, one that involves standing in front of people and actually talking (aka: my worst fear beside axe murderers and vampires,) now that's a step forward, you're Movin on, rising from your ghostly state of being and taking action, wow, you must now be excited about the change, anxious for wanting to prove yourself, and terrified that you will freeze when you see, people, stutter, some clothing item will rip off, or worse of all you'll just trip and fall flat on your face infront of everyone.

Well, alarmingly, none of the above. more like indifference, it's like I've stopped feeling, that was supposed to be a big thing to me but it's not. It doesn't really matter now that you're not around anymore, and it's crazy because, people aren't defined by other people, they shouldn't be, I was a person before you and i mattered to me, and now that you're gone..

yalla, never mind, it's not your fault anyway, some people are just lost and when they find something to build or depend on for meaning to their existence, they just hang to it for dear life. only it would've been wrong, you would've been one of those soccer mums who's whole life depend on their childrens' exams and coaches, maybe this is how it's supposed to be, now you actually have to work for serenity or peace or whatever the hell you're looking for anyway.

mmm,

there we go again

Self: I want Haytham

Soul: Ettaky Allah, he's gone this is what God ruled so accept it.

Self: I know, but ana mal7e2tesh..

Soul: be grateful you had him to begin with

Self: yeah, but why me? what did I do wrong?

Soul: sob7an Allah, God chose that for you, so you know it's the best situation to be in,
and didn't you feel how much closer to God you were at that time, how much He taught you
since then, this is most merciful to you and Haytham, it's better than to be led on in
life, and look at the amount of people praying for him, doing 3omras and all that. what did you do wrong? where do I start, when would I stop. Al7amdolellah en Allah, does not treat us like that, you've done wrong and you deserve worse but AL7AMDOLELLAH en Allah does not treat us like that. You do bad but He sends you this, so that you would run to Him, this is mercy, it's a pity you don't see it, and more pitiful if you see it but don't accept it as it truly is. This is mercy.

Self: I know but it still hurts so bad.

Soul: and even that you get rewarded for if you're patient, not just the physical pain,
the sadness too, it can cause you a place in the hereafter that you would never achieve
with your own deeds.

Self: But I miss him so badly.

Soul: it's because your "Yakeen" is not that strong, you know that life is short, and that
death is the one of the most real things, and you'll get there, but you just don't grasp
this idea truly, it's why you're still thinking; I lost him in life, and not the I'll have
him fel a7'ra. You try to act opposite to it but eldonya is still deeply embedded in your
heart.

Self: I'm trying to be patient, but i don't feel close or at peace

Soul: because you strayed again, after you'd tasted the beauty of praying so hard, of
remembering Allah with your heart, you pulled back, you were too lazy to keep the effort,
and now you're neither totally into yourself, or into the donya in a "I'll get over it,
I'll move on" nor are you with Allah with all your heart in a "eldonya is just a phase,
it's not really worth anything" well what can I say! you brought this on yourself, enjoy
it.

Self: but, where do I go from here?

Soul: you know where, you're just too lazy and too hasty.

Self: well that's not alot of help.

Soul: well, it's what I have. you don't wanna move on, you don't wanna accept the loss,
you're acting like a child kicking and screaming "I want haytham" when you know you what it's like

Self: bas ana maleesh da3wa I want Haytham, I wanna talk to him

Soul: well, you know that en Allah is All Merciful, that he made our relationship with the
dead not end by their death, you can pray for them, and they know it and they hear it, and
that's what really counts that's what benefits them... but you're not really thinking of
him of what's good for him you're just thinking of yourself, I want to see him, I want to
hear him, I miss him. I, I, and I.

Self: I know that, I know all that, but it still feels the same.

Soul: look you chose that, you chose not to move on, you chose to be sad, so just live
with it. but at least try to live with it properly, cause you're turning bitter, and
bitter is not sabr, it cant be reda, just try to go back to just sad, at peace but just
sad cause it was definetly better than where you are right now.

Self: I'm just scared, what if I live on? what would i do if I kept on living till i'm old? how am I supposed to endure all that time? and also, what if I die? that's scary too? how will it be? will it hurt? is it good? is it scary?

Soul: well, what can I say, that just prove how deaf you are. "What if I live? after all the lectures you heard about faith, and righteous people? after all the wisdoms you heard on how death is closer to a person than his next breath? after what you heard about Prophet Mohammed pbuh? you don't even know if you'll live to take in your next breath, and if you still have time. time is the mo'men's investment. the time you have, that you fear is an opportunity to become closer to Allah, to say one final prayer, to help one final person, and if it goes on, well if you had a cause, other than yourself and your lonliness bohoho, you wouldn't feel like this, you would be able to grieve properly, even if for the rest of your life, you would be able to look forward to meeting him, instead of worrying how am i supposed to spend whatever time in such lonliness, how many people with causes had no one to love, or lost their loved one but were filled with their belief that enabled them to go on, but who am I talking to, of course you know all that, but still..

Self: I know, but still...
-----------------------------------------------

Self: I want Haytham

Soul: there we go again...

see you once again my love

An empty street
An empty house
A hole inside my heart
I'm all alone and the rooms are getting smaller

I wonder how, I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had, the songs we sang together
And you're my love
I'm holding on forever
Reaching for a love that seem so far

So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again, my love
Overseas from coast to coast
To find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again, my love

I try to read
I go to work
I'm laughing with my friends
But I can't stop to keep myself from thinking

I wonder how, I wonder why
I wonder where they are
The days we had, the songs we sang together
And you're my love
I'm holding on forever
Reaching for a love that seem so far

So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again, my love
Overseas from coast to coast
To find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again

To hold you in my arms
To promise you my love
To tell you from the heart
You're all I'm thinking of

Reaching for a love that seems so far

So I say a little prayer
And hope my dreams will take me there
Where the skies are blue
To see you once again, my love
Overseas from coast to coast
To find the place I love the most
Where the fields are green
To see you once again

my 2008

whenever I actually get myself to sit and start writing something for that blog thing my mind goes a total blank... I mean I was having a walk today in the rain and between all my dark thoughts I found myself thinking of stuff to write... I thought of writing about myself ( It all started on a rainy day in july 6th the year....) but then .. COME ON even I am not interested .. and then I remembered that scene from "Forrest Gump" with the feathure that's carried by the wind and how I felt so similar to it lately, it's supposed to represent how a person is totally helpless in the bigger scheme of things, it's true I guess, I've been thinking of the year 2008 and how it's was the best, worst, hardest, richest year in my life.

It sarted with me being at my previous job, single, not satisfied on both career and personal side, and desperate for a change.

I found a new job in the marketing field- which I liked so much probably just for the sound of Maaarkettiingg- cause come to think about it I forgot everything about it since college, so anyway all excited new job new title and all, and then came my first day..all dressed up looking good makeup, high heel pointed boots ( baad idea for a first day that includes a tour around the factory) and then came the shocker.. I found my self instead of talking professors, submissions, excuse me and Oh my goodness.. to a ctually be hearing words like samna balady, 3agwa, we 3agameya( honey and samna by the way) and if that wasn't enough I had a boss from hell, it was actually half her fault and half mine to be honest, of course she made my life hell, i had lots nightmares that revolved all around her and was having the toughest time of my life ( I have to say everything came easily to me before that) but aside from her I met the funniest people in my life, lady like you've never seen before, she was like the crazy aunt who puts you in the weirdest situations and yet you cant help loving her, and her loyal assistant who drove me crazy and of course that designer guy who worked with them.

He was a nice guy, 3 years older than me so we got along fine, now i'm a very shy person specially around new people, but the way they embraced me as family the way they kept bugging and naging me, I got used to them easily and were actually becoming good friends, then it became dear friends but nothing but friends cause he's not my type so what i feel for him is DEFINITELY not love it's just friendship, and of course friendship means you want him around you all the time, the office is like hell when he's no around, and you are absolutely willing to go on jobs to the sixth of october city just to be around him, and the stinging and anger you feel if he ever even mentions another girl, all friends are like that, then I started to figure out it was a little bit more, well not just me, our lady friend felt it too, and that other friend of ours who said my eyes lit up when I talked to him, I guess he felt it too. then came that phase when I knew for a fact that I loved him and also knew he didn't feel the same. so came all the " why doesn't he like me, am I not pretty enough, am I not so and so ??" when I remember those days....it was like a word from him really made or spoiled my day, and of course there was that assurance from our lady friend that he loved me but he still cant talk to me, and then I was sure she pretty much talked the same with him, I even feared she was pushing him into it.
I was suffering those days, but a good suffering if there's such thing, I had a good job offer and let it down just cause I couldn't leave him, I was like I'd rather be around him knowing he didn't want me than to leave and not see him everyday.

Then to make along story a bit shorter, came that day when I was sitting at my desk and my ladyfriend entered and said to me " come to my office there's someone who wants to propose to you" of course Iwas like "AAAA .. what... who ... where.. wait ... it doesn't go this wa" and suddenly my mobile became very interesting and i went in her office diving in my mobile and searching the grounds for ants and stuff and whatever...coincidently he wasn't looking either and was searching for UFOs at the ceiling or something, and it was like there's a guy who wants to marry you and you've agreed go tell your mum and dad, and he was like" give her a chance to think " and " take your time" and stuff like that and I was thinking " what's he talking about time and stuff!!!does he really mean to tell me he didn't know how I felt?? I was a step short from carrying a sign on my head for God's sak!!" but all the same, I shyly smiled like the silly movies I make fun of, and said I'll tell my family.. went home in my car playing Carol Sama7ah's " awel marra fi 7ayaty .. lely lely lely thing" went home took my mum aside told her she asked me what do you think, just nodded and embraced her.

Then came a whole new chapter, first happy not believing, then sooo worried, praying the two families would get along , and agree on everything, and they actually did and everything went so smoothly and effortless, five month, it was only five month but how do I even begin to describe them, I know believe it wasn't natural for this to go on cause it's not normal for life to be that happy, I dunno what to say I was walking on air, I'm not gonna I say I was blindly in love 24/7 or that it wasn't a normal engagement with minor issues, it was a normal day to day engaged life that is coated in a layer of happiness and bliss, that you close the phone feeling as if happiness is materialized infront of you and you can actually touch it, why wouldn't you when you not only fell in love, but also was loved in the same way, when the one you loved would tell you not to hang off the phone even if you don't have anything to say, that he was just happy there hearing you breath. And it wasn't just me - I remember reading at a friend's post that when she saw the way her husband treated the women in his family, she was just glad to be one of them - it was just like that, when I saw him playing with his sister and the way he treated her and his mother - his whole family for that matter - I was proud and eager to be one of the people around him.

Then came that day when my phone rang 7 am in the morning, I saw his dad's number, i thought he's waking me up, picked up the phone and I heared that awful shout he died, he died ya benty, I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel scared, I just didn't feel, I was scaringly calm, I got dressed went down with my family over to his house, and I saw him lying there looking so calm, just asleep, looking asleep, and there was other people just standing there we all just stood there, I talked to him, I don't remember what I said, I cried, I attended the whole thing, even dosed off at some points while crying, they took him to pray, and it was it. It ended, this is how it ended, I wont go on on the pain or the feelings or anything.

This was on january 2009, by this time - thank God - I was back at my old job, I had enourmous support from my friends, for I cant say enough on that. so I was back to the point where I started 2008, single, in a going nowhere career, only this time it doesn't really matter.

And so this was 2008 for me, but when I keep thinking about it if I had a choice, i'd do it all over again all the same with all it's suffering, very small things I would change cause it was worth it, he was worth it, and he is worth all the suffering yet to come. The reason I wrote this is that you never know where else will life take you, what else it will do to you, and I wanted this, and I wanted him to be remembered by me or anyone who reads this no matter how few, and so I ask whoever reads this to pray for him, even if you didn't know him just pray for him if only for the sake of the happiness he brought to my heart, to my life and the lives of those who knew him.