Made it to Italy

As someone who hasn't traveled anywhere in ages, and who is an expert about all the beautiful places all over the world but only through films and pictures I'd be watching pictures of Italy or movies like (Eat, pray, love) with tears in my eyes (not sure if it's tears of emotion or pure envy though) I always knew I'll get there, I always knew that someday I'll be that citizen of the world that I'll be absolutely free and I'll get on that airplane and I'll go to MY Italy that I've been dying to see, but it's that sort of knowledge that you don't really believe the dream-knowledge if I may say.

Back to Egypt, my life is pretty good, but when has life ever been good enough? I have a good job in a fancy place (fancy on the outside that is, no place is really ever is once you're in) where I'm doing the 9 to 5 pace, although it's never a 9 to 5 (always 15 minutes after 9, and don't even count how many hours after 5 :'( ) stress level heading to the roof, good salary wasted on coffee and comfort food and comfort tech devices, or comfort anything that will make you forget for a while that you have to wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.

I started to look that life was going to be like this, that the route is now clear, you work here, you will continue to work here, you will die here. (This thought always scares the hell out of me) and that was exactly when that email came to me, among the hundreds of emails of film announcements on the mailing list of the Italian Cultural Institute (the one I'm a member of to feel I am in anyway remotely connected to Italy)

It was a scholarship program in Italy!! Yes the Italy, I saw it I kinna froze a little bit and being the optimistic person I am, I knew it was one of those no-way opportunities that pass in front of your envious eyes and that nostalgically cross your mind every now and then when you've really had it with your life.

Still I decided why not read it, hmmmm, seems doable, write a project about cooperation? don't know much about that but still why not, as it turns out a short deadline and necessity can make your mind do miracles, so I wrote the project sent the CV did the whole thing, sent the email and waited for the presentation and interviews day.

The day came, I attended the presentation, didn't really get much of what they were talking about, it wasn't much different than the written stuff anyway, waited for my turn to interview, and waited, ..... and waited, I can't remember how many hours it was, but yeah I'm talking Hourssss, to make a long story short I actually passed.... I was actually going to Italy !!!! All I had to do was give up on my job, give up on the suitor that came just in time before the time of traveling and convince my parents to let me live alone for 5 months

Of course I don't need to mention the arguments, the stress, the red tape trips in government buildings that leave you going out on the verge of tears and feels much much less like a human being anymore. But after all that it actually happened I got on a plane and I was actually on the way to the Italy of my dreams.

I'd talk about your demons who turns out they don't leave you even if you leave them the entire country, I'd talk about the food the music the people, but that is just a whole other story

A Tip from Paula

A tip from a very beautiful long gone girl, whose soul beauty is apparent in even her picture and accentuated in a book; she said that if you want to learn to write, start by writing a bad book, anyone can do that. I’ve written before in a blog, and a couple of articles, but never really saw me writing again, never saw I had the ability or anything to say and so I didn’t. But time goes by, and we find ourselves trapped in our jobs and our lives always waiting for the next thing to get us out of the boredom or give us a sense of purpose.

A lucky few of us find their callings early in life, it’s crystal clear to them what they want, or more like what they’re meant to be doing. The rest of us have to fight for it, have to find where our real passion lies, the passion that doesn’t die after two weeks, the passion that makes us continue even when things get hard or boring, that keeps from being lost in details.

A lot of us are either too lazy to dig deep and find it or have just given up and surrendered to everyday life and always feeling there’s an empty part inside them that nothing is filling. It doesn’t have to be huge, your calling, or passion, it doesn’t have to bring fame and money, it just has to make you complete. And even if you don’t find it, you can’t allow your life to pass you by without searching for it, you can’t look back at whatever’s passed from your life and see only settling for less, doing what’s expected and trying to please everybody else.

I’ve been getting this ache recently when I read books, the ache that I wish I had tried this; I wish I had learnt or pursued this and try to find reasons and excuses and thinking it’s too late, but after reading what Paula said about writing, I decided to start here, start by writing a bad article – yup this one – and see where it takes me, maybe no one will read it, maybe I won’t improve, but at least I will not look back and think “I never even gave it a shot.”

yeah yeah I know , 3o2baly

New born babies, weddings and sitting with senior relatives, these are events were you usually give greetings, congratulations and so on, and always get a 3o2balek in return... everything is good until that "3o2balek." I really hate that word. I know it's the most normal, expected word in response for congrats, but I just wish people would STOP SAYING IT to me, specially when it comes with the whole meaningful look, or verbal stress.
Because although to most people it comes out as simply "I wish you well," felsaree3 which is fine, but, to others it's just so upsetting when they give you that pity look and thoughtful voice, which to my already-drama-queen, over reacting self goes in as "ooh poor you I know haytham's dead but you're so strooong and you'll get over it and find somebody else and have three babies and a happy bla bla bla" and it just infuriates me, makes me sad, and then I start thinking I am becoming a gloomy person when it's actually their fault, they're stirring it up.

So, in addition to my new year resolution of taking any motivational (specially career) quotes and chucking them into the talkers' throat, I've also think I should punch people who tell me 3o2balek in the chin .... :) yeah that idea actually makes me smile, it'll look weird in a wedding though, me going crazy punching practically everyone I meet, but still it's very satisfying all the same.

F.I.N.E

Ah! yes I did my presentation, it went ok-ish, it doesn't matter, what matters is that "it went" and our trainer ASSURED us that there wont be no more presentations till sometime later. Hah! you'd think. Of course this was too good to actually happen, and he decided it would be alot nicer if we give our presentations earlier. To make a long story short. I have a presentation TODAY :(

It's ok, don't worry, I'm just fine - Italian job fine (Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic, and emotional) - but at least this time I'm holding back on the hysteria.

Being an optimistic person as I am, I've decided to stop worrying (HaHAHAHHA) and just think logically, "So what's the WORST that could happen" I thought. Now I have covered all the fall-flat-on-the-face, ssstuttetter, ..etc. situations earlier, so I'll just think of the more important sides to the matter. I could fail - I know it's hard to believe ME failing!!! - but I could fail. ssssoooooo wwwhhhatttt, as told by the wise Ahmed Mekky. No really, SO WHAT? I had a nice (?) experience, met interesting people, gave three presentations, but most importantly, I discovered options. what do I mean? ok, now the good thing about talking to people is actually listening, one of the girls was saying that she freelances translation to Iqraa channel, really? why didn't I think of that before?? well it's ok, now I am so it's an option, a potential path. Another was talking about a speed reading course she took before - we have that here? mmm I wonder what other sort of weird courses can I find in Egypt? such things too would be interesting to explore.

What else could happen? obviously, I could pass. Now, this is supposed to be the bright side of it, although I'm not entirely sure, cause - to my surprise - passing means that you will have to actually stand infront of a bunch of people and teach them English, which is something I never thought of when I applied to the English Instructor position!! (I know, no comment, but it's true)

So, I'm actually a little better today, my heart is only beating from chest to neck - that's an improvement cause last time was from stomach to nose, so give me that. I don't know I'm even feeling a little cheery, maybe it's all the self-help books I've been reading (self-help: author help himself get rich) though I doubt it, cause I have an anti-motivational talk attitude. Oh yeah I remember, it's the "What the worst that could happen" technique. Yeah, so that's my advice to all the optimistic, life-is-a-cookie sort of people. IT IS NOT, but what the worst that could really happen!

Moving on

"You can't stay in that ghostly existence..," "There's a whole new world out there that you should exploer...," I've been listening to all sorts of well intentioned advice and comments like these for some time now, they all tell you to move on.

What that really means is: no it's not enough that you got hurt in that way, there's a whole wide world filled with all sorts of pain and distress that you are just depriving your self of.

Try new things and you'll be surprised at how you once thought; I've seen the worst of it, nothing can hurt me anymore. So, you're a shy person, you hate speaking in public, now why should you stay peacefully at a place or a job that doesn't require presentations and lectures, noooo, you must challenge yourself, you must put yourself in the situation you hate the most, cause you are not "growing" or "developing your skills" your not looking for new cheeese if you don't do that. mmm, I see, so I did it, I did it badly, and I hated it. Well, that is just excellent, all you have to do now, is to do it again, and again, and the more you hate it, the more you should do it, cause that is Leeeaarning. Soon enough after a thousand failed experience, and thousand agonizing situation you'll be juuuust finne.

well, ok maybe, I guess, so I'm doing this to "move on" and get along with my life, but all it does is make me miserable and remind of a time when I was happy, and makes me feel the loss more. mmm that's nothing, who cares, as long as you're Moving Onnnn.

Brilliant, so now my options are: fail, and be miserable about it, and of course that means soul searching for you wanna do, cause "whatever you do, you can't stay where you are"। Or succeed, and continue in that miserable job. boy! I just can't wait to see the outcome of that.

babble babble

So, taking on a new job, one that involves standing in front of people and actually talking (aka: my worst fear beside axe murderers and vampires,) now that's a step forward, you're Movin on, rising from your ghostly state of being and taking action, wow, you must now be excited about the change, anxious for wanting to prove yourself, and terrified that you will freeze when you see, people, stutter, some clothing item will rip off, or worse of all you'll just trip and fall flat on your face infront of everyone.

Well, alarmingly, none of the above. more like indifference, it's like I've stopped feeling, that was supposed to be a big thing to me but it's not. It doesn't really matter now that you're not around anymore, and it's crazy because, people aren't defined by other people, they shouldn't be, I was a person before you and i mattered to me, and now that you're gone..

yalla, never mind, it's not your fault anyway, some people are just lost and when they find something to build or depend on for meaning to their existence, they just hang to it for dear life. only it would've been wrong, you would've been one of those soccer mums who's whole life depend on their childrens' exams and coaches, maybe this is how it's supposed to be, now you actually have to work for serenity or peace or whatever the hell you're looking for anyway.

mmm,