my 2008

whenever I actually get myself to sit and start writing something for that blog thing my mind goes a total blank... I mean I was having a walk today in the rain and between all my dark thoughts I found myself thinking of stuff to write... I thought of writing about myself ( It all started on a rainy day in july 6th the year....) but then .. COME ON even I am not interested .. and then I remembered that scene from "Forrest Gump" with the feathure that's carried by the wind and how I felt so similar to it lately, it's supposed to represent how a person is totally helpless in the bigger scheme of things, it's true I guess, I've been thinking of the year 2008 and how it's was the best, worst, hardest, richest year in my life.

It sarted with me being at my previous job, single, not satisfied on both career and personal side, and desperate for a change.

I found a new job in the marketing field- which I liked so much probably just for the sound of Maaarkettiingg- cause come to think about it I forgot everything about it since college, so anyway all excited new job new title and all, and then came my first day..all dressed up looking good makeup, high heel pointed boots ( baad idea for a first day that includes a tour around the factory) and then came the shocker.. I found my self instead of talking professors, submissions, excuse me and Oh my goodness.. to a ctually be hearing words like samna balady, 3agwa, we 3agameya( honey and samna by the way) and if that wasn't enough I had a boss from hell, it was actually half her fault and half mine to be honest, of course she made my life hell, i had lots nightmares that revolved all around her and was having the toughest time of my life ( I have to say everything came easily to me before that) but aside from her I met the funniest people in my life, lady like you've never seen before, she was like the crazy aunt who puts you in the weirdest situations and yet you cant help loving her, and her loyal assistant who drove me crazy and of course that designer guy who worked with them.

He was a nice guy, 3 years older than me so we got along fine, now i'm a very shy person specially around new people, but the way they embraced me as family the way they kept bugging and naging me, I got used to them easily and were actually becoming good friends, then it became dear friends but nothing but friends cause he's not my type so what i feel for him is DEFINITELY not love it's just friendship, and of course friendship means you want him around you all the time, the office is like hell when he's no around, and you are absolutely willing to go on jobs to the sixth of october city just to be around him, and the stinging and anger you feel if he ever even mentions another girl, all friends are like that, then I started to figure out it was a little bit more, well not just me, our lady friend felt it too, and that other friend of ours who said my eyes lit up when I talked to him, I guess he felt it too. then came that phase when I knew for a fact that I loved him and also knew he didn't feel the same. so came all the " why doesn't he like me, am I not pretty enough, am I not so and so ??" when I remember those days....it was like a word from him really made or spoiled my day, and of course there was that assurance from our lady friend that he loved me but he still cant talk to me, and then I was sure she pretty much talked the same with him, I even feared she was pushing him into it.
I was suffering those days, but a good suffering if there's such thing, I had a good job offer and let it down just cause I couldn't leave him, I was like I'd rather be around him knowing he didn't want me than to leave and not see him everyday.

Then to make along story a bit shorter, came that day when I was sitting at my desk and my ladyfriend entered and said to me " come to my office there's someone who wants to propose to you" of course Iwas like "AAAA .. what... who ... where.. wait ... it doesn't go this wa" and suddenly my mobile became very interesting and i went in her office diving in my mobile and searching the grounds for ants and stuff and whatever...coincidently he wasn't looking either and was searching for UFOs at the ceiling or something, and it was like there's a guy who wants to marry you and you've agreed go tell your mum and dad, and he was like" give her a chance to think " and " take your time" and stuff like that and I was thinking " what's he talking about time and stuff!!!does he really mean to tell me he didn't know how I felt?? I was a step short from carrying a sign on my head for God's sak!!" but all the same, I shyly smiled like the silly movies I make fun of, and said I'll tell my family.. went home in my car playing Carol Sama7ah's " awel marra fi 7ayaty .. lely lely lely thing" went home took my mum aside told her she asked me what do you think, just nodded and embraced her.

Then came a whole new chapter, first happy not believing, then sooo worried, praying the two families would get along , and agree on everything, and they actually did and everything went so smoothly and effortless, five month, it was only five month but how do I even begin to describe them, I know believe it wasn't natural for this to go on cause it's not normal for life to be that happy, I dunno what to say I was walking on air, I'm not gonna I say I was blindly in love 24/7 or that it wasn't a normal engagement with minor issues, it was a normal day to day engaged life that is coated in a layer of happiness and bliss, that you close the phone feeling as if happiness is materialized infront of you and you can actually touch it, why wouldn't you when you not only fell in love, but also was loved in the same way, when the one you loved would tell you not to hang off the phone even if you don't have anything to say, that he was just happy there hearing you breath. And it wasn't just me - I remember reading at a friend's post that when she saw the way her husband treated the women in his family, she was just glad to be one of them - it was just like that, when I saw him playing with his sister and the way he treated her and his mother - his whole family for that matter - I was proud and eager to be one of the people around him.

Then came that day when my phone rang 7 am in the morning, I saw his dad's number, i thought he's waking me up, picked up the phone and I heared that awful shout he died, he died ya benty, I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel scared, I just didn't feel, I was scaringly calm, I got dressed went down with my family over to his house, and I saw him lying there looking so calm, just asleep, looking asleep, and there was other people just standing there we all just stood there, I talked to him, I don't remember what I said, I cried, I attended the whole thing, even dosed off at some points while crying, they took him to pray, and it was it. It ended, this is how it ended, I wont go on on the pain or the feelings or anything.

This was on january 2009, by this time - thank God - I was back at my old job, I had enourmous support from my friends, for I cant say enough on that. so I was back to the point where I started 2008, single, in a going nowhere career, only this time it doesn't really matter.

And so this was 2008 for me, but when I keep thinking about it if I had a choice, i'd do it all over again all the same with all it's suffering, very small things I would change cause it was worth it, he was worth it, and he is worth all the suffering yet to come. The reason I wrote this is that you never know where else will life take you, what else it will do to you, and I wanted this, and I wanted him to be remembered by me or anyone who reads this no matter how few, and so I ask whoever reads this to pray for him, even if you didn't know him just pray for him if only for the sake of the happiness he brought to my heart, to my life and the lives of those who knew him.